“I respect my boundaries, and I insist that others respect them, too.” — Louise Hay
Do you struggle with saying no? Have you ever considered how boundaries (or the lack of boundaries) play out in your life? One of my greatest insights working with horses is how essential healthy boundaries are for overall wellness. We have a couple of ‘boundary breakers’ in our herd. They are wonderful coaches who invite us to practice saying ‘no’ in a safe space.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits or expectations we set with other people that communicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us. We can’t always ‘see’ a boundary; but we can feel it if it has been crossed. Reflecting on some of my own experiences, I know I experience anger or frustration when I perceive a boundary has been crossed (or the boundaries were not clearly articulated).
There are different types of boundaries:
- Physical – Related to your personal space, privacy and body e.g. do you check in before you give someone a hand shake or a hug?
- Mental – Related to your thoughts, values and opinions e.g. are you easily suggestible? Can you hold onto your values and views?
- Emotional – Knowing how to separate your emotions and responsibility from someone else’s e.g. healthy boundaries help keep you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame or ‘shoulding’ on others.
Setting up a boundary is like outlining our personal space or personal bubble. It allows us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the experiences of others. Knowing our boundaries comes from knowing our values and our own sense of self-worth.
For example, setting a boundary might involve
• Someone’s negative attitude (E.g. A friend who is always complaining)
• Someone’s negative behaviours
• Someone calling too often
• Someone is touching you and it makes you uncomfortable
Setting and Keeping Personal Boundaries:
1. Know our limits: We need to clearly define what our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual boundaries are with the different people and different types of relationships we have in our lives.
2. Be self-reliant and/or assertive: In order to set boundaries, we have to be direct with people to let them know when they have crossed or are about to cross one of our boundaries. Being self-reliant can be uncomfortable, especially in these situations. It gets easier with practice.
3. Practice: So, we need to practice acting assertively. Practice with people who are close to you and that you feel comfortable with. For example, if a friend does something to hurt you, ask them if you can talk with them and explain why their words or actions hurt you. Horses (and donkeys) can be great coaches when it comes to establishing boundaries.
4. If all else fails, try to distance yourself from the person: If you have tried, assertively, to explain to the other person that your boundaries have been crossed and they ignore you or do not change their behaviours, it is okay to distance yourself from this person. Remind yourself of your own worth, your values, and remember that no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or to take your self-defined space away from you.
It can be hard for us to set boundaries because:
- We might want to put others’ needs and feelings first before our own
- We don’t know ourselves
- We don’t feel we have rights
- We believe setting a boundary might jeopardize a relationship or
- We’ve never learned to have healthy boundaries.
By understanding individual personal space and respecting that of another, we can develop healthy relationships based on personal and mutual respect and understanding.
Keep in mind that the purpose of setting a boundary is to take care of you and that we are the only ones who allow others to come in contact with us in any way. Boundaries are for your own well-being and protection. They’re most effective when you are assertive, calm, firm and courteous when setting them. Setting boundaries is not selfish – it is an expression of your self-compassion.
