“Keep paddling,” he said. My doctor had just shared the results of a CAT scan with me. The test was necessary to rule out the potential return of cancer. Fortunately the results were clear for cancer. I got lucky. A few years ago, I had a cancerous tumor eliminated from my body with the removal of my appendix. I did not require any follow-up treatment. These particular results would determine whether or not I would return to school. I kept paddling and I went back to school.
What the scan did reveal was a small inventory of issues within my body that at some point may give reason for concern — just not today. Aging is a funny thing. It creeps up on you and bites when you least expect it. In my 40’s, I remember having no interest in retiring. I was focused on my career and raising our two daughters. In my 50’s I reinvented myself, launched a new business, returned to school and embarked on a new professional direction. This year I turn 62. My post-menopausal body has gifted me with weight gain, inflammation, and brain fog. Some days I look in the mirror and I no longer recognize myself. Optimal health and healthy living is a greater priority.
It’s not that I don’t already live a healthy life. On most days, I now work outdoors. I walk my dogs daily over the fields and through the woods. My new Apple Watch tells me that walk is more than a kilometer. I am doing weights three times a week with a friend and I have discovered Qigong, a form of moving meditation. I try to ride at least one of my horses each week. And still I am aging. I see it in my face and I feel it in my bones. Who are you and whose body is this? It’s humbling. It makes me feel vulnerable and old. Some days I worry about what is coming and when it will hit.
Lately, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about how I want to live the next 10, 15 or 20 years that I may have left. For now, I am very happy with the life that my husband and I have created together. I no longer take it for granted. Rural living and farm life suits me. I’m surrounded by animals and nature. I enjoy the work that I am doing. It gives me a sense of purpose and I have control over my schedule.
I used to mock my parents when they sat and watched the birds. Now I ensure my feeder is full and love when the Blue Jays, Chickadees, Mourning Doves and occasional Cardinal come to visit. I find myself really appreciating these moments. I talk to the animals and touch the trees. I want to linger more. Savour my time with family and friends. Appreciate beauty and a really good meal. Sleep. Sit by the fire. Plant a garden. I want to laugh more. Slow. Down.
Over the holidays, I spent some time letting go of stuff. It’s amazing how much we collect over time. I have also been sifting through old photos. Yes, I am one of those people who stopped printing images once everything went digital. It’s like our family experiences stopped about 30 years ago. The first 20 years are sitting in boxes tucked away in a closet. I found this photo — a much younger version of myself and my youngest daughter enjoying a kayak together. I wonder if I really appreciated that moment in the moment. Or was I focused on what was next? What I would give to go back to that time.
As I contemplate the year ahead, what I know for sure is that I’m still paddling and for that I’m grateful.
